"enchanted" by Taylor Swift

I don't know why I feel compelled to write a blog about this, but I just have to say I love taylor swift so much. She has me in tears right now...it's 12:45pm on a tuesday and I'm crying. lol I just think she is such a good songwriter.. you know when you have a desire to do something... and it just hits you.. when you're so moved by what someone else has done.. i just have this strong desire to be able to move other people in the same way. hopefully, one day. God I love this song! hahah .. so that's it. I could go on about how wonderful taylor swift is, but I think I'll leave it at that :)

ohh and I'm looking for an apartment in Nashville speaking of which. I think I'm going to start out in a sublet for 2/3months.

hope you're having a good day & listening to a good song right now.

xo

emma

in an email I got this morning. - thanks pop

"Come to the edge," he said. "No, we will fall," they replied. They came to the edge. He pushed them . . . and they flew.
--Apollinaire

Without courage it is virtually impossible to progress along the spiritual path. Courage enables us to face the fears that arise when we go for what we want.

Courage often involves going against conventional wisdom and walking the path alone. It takes courage to give up the high paying job and work part-time while you start your own business on the side. It takes courage to leave an unworkable relationship. It takes courage to face the pain of one's childhood and seek to heal it. In short, it takes courage to be oneself.

People ask, "How can I have courage when I'm afraid?" The answer is clear. Courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to move forward in spite of it. When fear comes up in your life, fully feel and experience it. If you try to push it away, it will only expand.

Say to your fear, "I acknowledge you. But as I connect with my higher knowing, I see that you are not in alignment with my true calling. Because I have the courage and the faith to follow my heart, I am moving ahead with my plans in spite of you." Then proceed. Like the actor whose stage fright leaves in the first moments of the play, yours will fade as you actively embrace your own unique destiny - with courage.

in the new place

In the new apartment tonight.. sister just left to head back to NY. Me, my mom and sister all went to the studio today to record a song my mom wrote. It was great.. we had some "moments" lol i won't go into those though. haha it turned out awesome. it was my sister's first time recording and she has such a beautiful voice, i almost cried right there in the studio. Hopefully we can put it out soon!

So anywho.. ummm I was supposed to go on a date tonight.. but I got stood up! LOL I hope he never reads this... we're going out tomorrow, but tonight I have nothing to do but write a blog about it. so pathetic. haha anyway, I LOVE our new apartment. I was supposed to move to Nashville/LA, but this place is so new and nice I think I may never leave lol I think I may have been meant to live in a condo.. i love that everything is in one place, one building! it's amazing to me, it feels like living in a dorm/hotel.. you have people you run into all the time, there's a gym! a pool! an espresso machine in the lobby haha ill stop, but it has been nice getting to live here after the last week.

sooo that's all I got for now.. gnight!

one thing I left out from the last post was that my house in Maryland caught fire while I was gone. My parents didn't want to tell me about it while I was away because I was having such a good time, but I'm glad they told me when they did. It was really upsetting at first, but now that I'm back I know it's all going to be taken care of. I was instantly relieved knowing that everyone was safe. We've lived in the same house for 22 yrs (myparents have been there 24yrs).. So we have to be out of it for 6 months while they renovate and fix the smoke and fire damage.

I feel like we're just soo lucky because no one was hurt! My dog, Scruffy (who is my little baby) apparently wouldn't come out of the house and no one could get in because of the smoke, it was too thick to see. But a man was outside working on another house and heard my mom yelling to the dog to come out and he said he'd get the dog so he crawled on his stomach and got him! I want to tell him how appreciative we are.. my parents got to call him the other night. I'm soo thankful he is safe. He's staying with my brother right now and we're in a hotel until we move into an apartment nearby. It was crazy coming off the plane to a hotel and seeing my house the next day. Some of our old home movies and photos were melted in the fire which is really the only thing we were upset about. But I think it's going to be okay.. it's amazing how lucky it was that it didn't happen at another time.. or that my mom hadn't gotten out of the shower too late. Luckily she was home to be able to call the fire department. (It was caused my an electrical surge.. because of all the snow)

Anyway, so grateful to have my family in one piece. And we're so appreciative of all the people helping us put our house back together and get into our new apartment. It could have been a lot worse, but right now, although it's a lot of work, it feels like a new chapter for us.

to Nashville and LA and back

What an amazing trip. these last two weeks have a special place with me. First was Nashville where I couldn't have asked for anything more.. the people I had the opportunity to meet, the office I had the opportunity to go in, the bizarre coincidences... i can't remember everything!! when I didn't think it could get better.. I went to LA right after and that was amazing too! more amazing.. It was so special...little, small pieces of a bigger dream came true out there. not to mention California is so beautiful.. After living on the east coast all my life, I'm like... do people know about this?? You can live here! it's like everyone has this skewed view of what "LA" really is... it is a wonderful place. I just felt so good there. stayed with a friend from school and i think we laughed the entire time.

I like to daydream about living there, what it would be like. i hope one day, but I'm thinking Nashville should be my first stop along the way... well second (after new york). I had some of those great moments that come around like never... haha I got to go to a record label, a big one, that I'd always dreamed of.. and there I was, talking to a guy there about my music..that wascrazy! and even more than that it was nothing like what i imagined... it was way better.. the two guys I met with were awesome and funny.. one of my favorite moments of the whole trip.. and the whole thing came about because I had waited outside one of their artists shows and gave them a CD in ny.. then after months (since sept) of emailing with no response.. I got one, right after New Years lol.. so now, new friends in music. and they were so fun to talk to. it just meant so much to me.. I felt and still feel so grateful. i called my mom and sister about every few hours during the whole two week period in nashville and LA to update them on who I just met or where I was..So after that meeting I was driving down Wilshire - and it was one of the moments I was just so excited, I was on the phone with my mom and I was like, I'm goin to MickeyD! haha i know it sounds like a simple, mundane thing, but mickeyD, to me, is a very special experience, only reserved for special occasions, like this one. hahah so I got a happy meal w/a coke and an apple pie and it was amazing. i sound ridiculous, i know, but it's the simple stuff.... anyway going to bed, can't write anymore, but I'm gonna try to dream about each little moment that happened.. like driving down Malibu Canyon through the mountains with my friend Marga, blasting Britney... ahh just what a trip.. i hope i can remember everything!!

Thank you to everyone who made this trip possible and who have been so helpful throughout this journey in Nashville, NY and LA!! You know who you are.. Thank you sooo much.

just hang in there

it's amazing how manageable and nice life can become when i stop looking so far ahead.. when i'm here.. or maybe just getting a new perspective. it's so hard for me to wrap my head around things sometimes, no matter how many times I talk to my best friends or family about something.. u can beat it into the ground and then one day, maybe, it'll be a little clearer and it won't hurt or be such an anxiety or burden. a new perspective is a gift..

even though these few months have been tough... and kinda like free falling almost- you graduate and you freak out.. the pages are blank ahead of you- an abyss! scary... then the self doubt creeps in. but honestly, even though it has been scary, i have had more fun in the last few months than i have had in the last three years. ny is a crazy place and ive met some really nice people and i love being here with my sister.

oh and I got my first placement on TV for a song of mine called "Go"- it's one of my favs. It's going to be on "Giuliana & Bill" next week!! i feel really lucky that that happened- on such a whim. I'll get into the story next time.. lol im tired!! night :)

these few months in ny have been a difficult adjustment... the state of the music biz... "reality"... nothing seems worth "believing" in. i think this is some kind of test or im learning something about commitment.. when you fall out of love.. or things get hard with something or someone you've loved and still love, maybe all you need to do is.. not quit. wait it out long enough.. for the storm to pass- and if you don't know why you feel this way, maybe just ignore it, don't think so much and continue.. remembering what you deeply believed before. and even if it's a distant memory from where you are now, keeping the hope and knowing that it'll come back again. just keep on..

the kind words of people who message me or- never often, but that one person who goes out of their way to tell you how they feel about your music, and you know they mean it- that means so much to me.. when i feel discouraged, even if it's just one person saying something, they'll never know how much it means to me. it kind of lights my way again. it's so important for all of us to be there for each other.. to keep going, especially when it's the most challenging. staying true to a promise or a purpose, even if you feel really far away at the time.

trip back to boston

Taking a last minute trip to... Boston tomorrow!! yay! well technically today in two minutes. I haven't packed yet- I don't really like to pack and typically do things last minute, it's a bad habit but that's just how I do.

Anyway, I just had a little realization tonight... a feeling of "ahh" relief. I've been struggling the last couple months- coming to grips with reality- I'm out of school, I want to be a performer, don't have a job and have not decided/committed on a place to move- to begin again, and start a new life really. I've been so anxious I have been paralyzed almost. And sometimes, even when you know you're taking things for granted and not counting your blessings, sometimes things just don't click for some reason. But in taking this trip to Boston I realize how excited I am to see the people I left there, the few good friends I made and just be surrounded by my old environment. For most of my time there at one of the best music schools in the world, my dream school, I was really unhappy.. and I didn't understand why. The whole time I was there I was so focused on where I wanted to "be" and what I wanted to achieve rather than just being there and soaking in every minute of it. I definitely have good memories too, but I really shut myself off from people there and just relaxing and having a normal college experience. I think being driven to accomplish things is a good thing, but sometimes you can miss a lot of really good things in the process. I've really realized I just want to be here on earth with people and not get caught up in my head so much. If I could do it over... I'd give people more time, really invest time in more friendships and not focused on the negative stuff. So now, in these last few months of being a negative nancy, I'd like not to be.. so uptight it's like just relax you freak!!

I think you start to see how critical these years are.. you don't want to make a mistake.

My parents are amazing for even letting me go visit! they are the best eva!!
love u mama and papa if you're reading this!!

it's the journey... that's what they say ;)

week 3

just got back from an open mic at a bar in the neighborhood called "American Trash" lol it's actually a nice little bar, lots of regulars. it was my second time there and I met a few more people tonight. My favorite was this guy from London (hoping he doesn't read this), but he was so funny. We were talking and he was saying he's depressed and I was like me too... yada yada... he was telling my sister and I all these details about his travels- making the move from London to New York (which is very bold/admirable), buying a phone, trying to find work as a musician. I thought he'd been here awhile - he was at the neighborhood open mic! Then I asked, "when did you move here?" he said "Last night" lol I was like you have nothing to worry about!! maybe you had to be there but it was so funny and also kinda nice to talk to someone going through the same thing- moving to a new city, trying to be a musician- crazY? yes. I was so sure of myself and just being here I feel a little paralyzed.. just fear and unsure about everything. the ups and downs are pretty intense. I hope one day I can look back at this and say ahh it's ookay- got through it. but it's scary, not knowing what's going to happen. you want to hold onto your dreams and I have thus far... but it's going to be a lot more than I can even imagine. at my internship yesterday these words popped into my head "lost with no direction, my faith is shaken" I was like what is that from?? that's how I feel! it's "the climb" (miley cyrus sings it) that may sound cheesy but it's spot on to where I'm at... I just want someone to smack me out of this funk. I hate being afraid.. it's suffocating- not knowing if you're doing the right thing. you want to be bold and truly who you are but sometimes you get lost! I think it's okay though- maybe it's all apart of the fun... I see people who seem so together- you're like what books are they reading? or they must be much smarter- or luckier.. but you can't compare to others always... we have to make our own journey. so here it goes...

funny how things happen. just released "His Eyes" on iTunes. sooooo excited to see it there- like it's real!! it's really on iTunes.. even though anyone can get on there nowadays, there's something really crazy about seeing it there haha here's the link if you'd like to hear/get a copy:

http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/his-eyes/id393123562

I wrote "His Eyes" (my first song)... about a guy I was in LUB with. maybe it wasn't love, I think it may have been lust... who didn't quite feel the same way. (my unrequited love) but it was the most amazing thing to turn pain from something into a song that then became this incredible joy- finding out I could even write a song, to singing on a track that sounded kinda cool. he was kind of the catalyst for it, I'm so grateful for that experience.. i still tell him i wrote it for him haha but he doesn't believe me. so maybe things do happen for a reason. id like to think so.

love. hope you have a wonderful week.

em